


Unflared Base

by fairycat



Category: Food Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Emergency room, Humor, Multi, Speculum, Surgery, Vibrators, emotionless nurse milk, just one actually, nice nurse tiramisu, nurse milk, nurse sweet tofu, nurse tiramisu, wacky nurse sweet tofu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22625236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairycat/pseuds/fairycat
Summary: Bloody Mary goes to the infirmary after getting a vibrator stuck up his butt. Hilarity ensues.
Relationships: Bloody Mary & Tiramisu (Food Fantasy), Bloody Mary/Master Attendant (Food Fantasy), Bloody Mary/Steak (Food Fantasy), Milk & Tiramisu & Sweet Tofu (Food Fantasy)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Unflared Base

**Author's Note:**

> This happened to someone I know (minus the weird nurses). Don't worry, he's okay now.

Bloody Mary was alone in his room when he found himself in a predicament. Specifically, that predicament was getting a vibrator lodged into his colon and being unable to remove it.

Bloody Mary promptly alerted his Master Attendant, who laughed at him.

“Somehow this doesn’t surprise me,” said Master Attendant. “Were you imagining it was me? No, it was Steak again, wasn’t it? You really need to get over that guy.”

“Can you please show some sympathy, Master?” Bloody Mary whimpered.

“All right. Can you walk okay?”

“Yes.”

“Then go to the infirmary,” Master Attendant said.

When Bloody Mary walked into the infirmary, three support souls were waiting there: Milk, Sweet Tofu, and Tiramisu.

A grin spread across Sweet Tofu’s face. “What did you do, Mary?” he asked. “I’m assuming something’s wrong with your junk.”

“Close,” said Bloody Mary. “I put a vibrator up my butt and it got stuck there.”

Sweet Tofu burst out laughing. “Can I tell my brother? He’d find this hilarious!”

“Remember patient confidentiality,” said Milk.

“Ugh, _fine_ ,” Sweet Tofu groaned.

The support souls launched into a series of questions. What had happened, precisely? Did he try to remove the vibrator himself? What was it made of? What was the lube made of? How long had the toy been stuck there? On a scale from 1 to 10, how much did it hurt?

The first attempt to remove the toy had Bloody Mary on his hands and knees on a bed in the infirmary, his backside exposed to the chilly air, while Milk stuck a gloved hand inside him in an attempt to extract the toy. All she managed to do was press the on/off switch a few times.

“Wow, it really is stuck.” Milk didn’t sound surprised or impressed, but Bloody Mary had never heard a hint of emotion in her voice before, and that probably wasn’t going to change at that moment.

Milk removed her hand from the patient, threw her glove in the biohazard bin, and turned to the other two support souls. “What do we try next?”

“Ooh, I have an idea!” Sweet Tofu exclaimed. He hurried away, and Bloody Mary reclined on the bed. When Sweet Tofu returned, he held a mysterious metal clamp-device-thing.

“What’s that?” Bloody Mary blurted out.

“This is a speculum,” said Sweet Tofu. “I’m gonna use it to try to grab the vibrator out of your ass.”

“Is that what they’re _for_?” asked Bloody Mary.

“No, Mary,” said Tiramisu, placing a gentle hand on the patient’s shoulder. “They’re for pap smears. Gynecologists use them. They’re usually inserted into vaginas.”

“That can’t possibly be comfortable,” said Bloody Mary.

“It’s not,” said Milk. “Once, after a gory battle, Miso Soup had to extract a bit of fallen angel flesh out of mine. This was back when Master Attendant actually sent me into battles.”

“I bet Miso Soup had horrible bedside manners,” said Bloody Mary.

“So does Sweet Tofu, when no one else is around to reign him in,” said Milk.

“Oh, come on, I’m not as bad as Miso,” Sweet Tofu objected. “Now spread your legs, Bloody Mary, like you did for that toy of yours earlier.”

“Sweet Tofu,” Milk scolded in only a slightly raised voice. “Tira, make sure he behaves. I’ll check to see if anyone else has come in.”

Bloody Mary recoiled and hissed when the speculum touched his skin. “So cold,” he whined.

“I know,” cooed Tiramisu. “You’ll get through it, though. I believe in you. Would squeezing my hand help?”

“Guess it wouldn’t hurt,” Bloody Mary muttered. He took the gentle healer’s hand and squeezed it. It was slim, soft, and smooth—really not his type, as he would rather hold Master Attendant’s hand, covered in oil and flour from working in the kitchen all day. Even better would be Steak’s large, tough hand. Even so, Tiramisu’s grasp was oddly comforting.

The vibrating in Bloody Mary’s gut began again. Sweet Tofu muttered, “Sorry.” The cold speculum switched the toy on and off as Sweet Tofu tried to get a solid grasp on it.

Bloody Mary wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Sweet Tofu stood and said, “This isn’t gonna work! Not while’s he’s awake, at least.”

Tiramisu grabbed the patient’s hand with both of hers, more for her comfort than for his. “What do we do, then? We can’t just leave that thing in there!” She paused. “This calls for a more invasive procedure, doesn’t it? We’ll have to put him under.”

“That seems like the best course of action.” Sweet Tofu couldn’t help grinning.

“Oh, take this seriously, Dolce!” Tiramisu scolded. “Go let Milk know. We can’t do this without her approval.”

“Of course~,” Sweet Tofu said with a chuckle.

As he walked away, Tiramisu turned her attention back to the patient. He bore a small scowl on his handsome face.

“I trust you understand what’s going to happen?” Tiramisu asked him.

“Yes,” Bloody Mary said softly. “You’re thinking about cutting me open.”

“We are not going to cut you open,” said Tiramisu. “We’re going to give you an anesthetic. You might fall asleep, or you might not, but you won’t feel any pain. Then we’ll go into your rectum—”

“You can say ‘butt’ if you want,” said Bloody Mary, with a smirk not unlike the one Sweet Tofu often wore.

“Not while I’m working in the infirmary,” Tiramisu insisted. “Anyway, it’ll be more invasive than just a hand or speculum. It would hurt you too much if we didn’t give you the anesthetic. But we will get that toy of yours out of your rectum!”

Bloody Mary chuckled. All of a sudden, he stopped and placed a hand on his abdomen, right below his navel.

“What’s wrong?” Tiramisu asked. “Are you in pain?”

“No,” said Bloody Mary. “The vibrator just . . . stopped vibrating.”

“ . . .What?”

“Milk and Sweet Tofu kept turning it on and off again while trying to get it out. Sweet Tofu left it on when he gave up.”

“Then how did it stop?” Tiramisu asked.

“I think the battery died,” said Bloody Mary. “I’m honestly kind of relieved. It was getting to be a bit irritating.”

 _This has to be the weirdest thing that’s ever happened here_ , Tiramisu thought.

Sweet Tofu returned with Milk just then. The latter held a form and pen out to the patient.

“Bloody Mary, this form explains the nature of the procedure we intend to perform on you.” Milk’s voice was perfect for this dry bureaucratic matter. “We will not proceed if you do not consent to it. Make sure you actually read it. Then sign where appropriate.”

~*~*~

After Bloody Mary had read the form and signed to indicate his consent, after Milk contacted Master Attendant about the procedure, after the three healers moved their patient to another part of the infirmary, after Sweet Tofu administered the anesthetic, after Bloody Mary fell asleep, and after the healers succeeded in removing the vibrator from the patient, Bloody Mary woke up in the recovery room and saw Master Attendant standing over him.

“You awake?” Master Attendant asked. Once Bloody Mary nodded, Master Attendant hissed, “You put a dildo with an unflared base up your _butt_?”

“It was a vibrator, Master,” murmured Bloody Mary.

“I don’t care if the thing vibrated, glowed in the dark, or did a tap dance!” Master Attendant exclaimed. “You never, ever, _ever_ put an unflared object up your butt if you even dream of getting it out again yourself!”

“Master Attendant, please don’t yell at him.” Tiramisu stood in the doorway of the recovery room. “He’s still recovering from surgery.”

“Milk told me the vibrator didn’t have a flared base!” Master Attendant exclaimed.

Tiramisu sighed. “That is correct, Attendant. I’m sure Bloody Mary understands now that if he’s going to . . . um . . . do that kind of thing, he should always use a toy with a flared base.” She walked over to stand beside her Attendant and looked at her recovering patient. “Don’t you?”

Bloody Mary blushed under the pair of stern gazes. “Yes,” he said. “I understand.”

**Author's Note:**

> When I started writing this, I didn't expect Tiramisu to mom Bloody Mary so much, but here we are.


End file.
